So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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