the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Randomize
