so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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