when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
