I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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