chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
