Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
