i will never coherently bang her
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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