Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
