i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
