Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I pour the whiskey from now on
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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