You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
