swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
