The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
