I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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