Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
