We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
