Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
