M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You ruined the universe
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
