Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
