FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
