i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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