he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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