i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
