Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
