Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
