Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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