I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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