On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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