Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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