Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
