See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
