i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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