The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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