the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
