I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
