I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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