She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
