I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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