genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
