apparently the secret to your success is patron
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
