I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
