im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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