They should really pass out barf bags in church
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
