I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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