So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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