I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
