11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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