if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
