remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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